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sway146

Warning: This review will be long so feel free to skim quickly, read intently, highlight for notes, or skip to directly to the end. Contents may include material not suitable for younger audiences, those with persistent heart conditions, kezbos, or Nettey . I’m still not “home” per-se so this review will come in shifts, while waiting for updates please put some elevator music on to pass the time, or create your own Sway adventure by postulating what will happen next. Please enjoy the following presentation.

Chapter 1: I May Be A Lucky Biatch But I Have Jinxes Too

So back when tickets went on sale I was still attending graduate school in Miami, Florida and had no idea where I’d be or what I’d be doing once I graduated in May. The one thing I did know was that wherever I was and whatever I was doing would cease on June 30th and July 1st. I was psyched when I saw that Kelly was opening in WPB and on a Friday at that, Friday’s are always good for scheduling events ahead of time. So I bought my tickets through Ticketmaster because I needed three tickets and we all know that the fabulous Fan Club VIPs only allowed for two and since the presale Ticketmaster seats blew monkey chunks I waited for the general sale and got stuck in BFE (jinx # 1).

Fast forward to two weeks ago. I now attend another graduate school in Georgia whose program requires two summer session attendances. The first summer session was scheduled to last from June 6th to June 30th (jink # 2). As soon as I got the schedule I decided I had to scheme my way out of class on the 30th, however much to my happy self my class was actually scheduled to end on the 29th allowing me time to drive from Georgia to Florida for the WPB show on Friday. AND THEN: two weeks before class is set to end my professor changes the schedule placing our final exam on Friday June 30th….OH HELLS NAW!!!!!!!!! (jinx # 3). I immediately talked to him about my dilemma calmly telling him the exact, honest reason why I couldn’t be in class on the 30th…..”I’ve RSVPed for a dinner that night according to the original class schedule.” Okay so maybe not the complete truth…but I did eat dinner…and the schedule shouldn’t have been changed in the first place. So I’m all set to end class on the 29th and complete my final at a later date (which I tried to do early as more of a punishment to myself for missing the final but for some odd reason the administration looks down upon early testing…go figure).

So now I’m good to go….except for one minor detail….I have no tickets!!!! (jinx # 4). I had received my e-mail saying that the tickets had been printed and shipped back in April and they still hadn’t arrived by Wednesday of last week. As they were being shipped to my parents address in Florida instead of mine I was a bit unnerved when my mother informed me that a bunch of postal workers had been arrested for stealing mail out of an Orlando post office which just happens to be the sorting place for the mail that comes to my parents…damn postals!!!! (jinx # 5). Finally after contacting Ticketmaster I received an apology and a confirmation that replacement tickets would be held for me at the box office the day of the concert….thank God and Moses both!!!

Chapter 2: Why Is Florida So Damn Long (in length that is)?

Between my education, family, and Kelly I’m in debt, tired, and the warranty on my 2004 Hyundai Elantra “Jason” will be expired in record time (maybe I should contact the Guinness Record people about that…I digress). I left Georgia at around 2 PM Thursday after staying up late to pack and do school assignments and waking up early to shower, pack some more, and finish school assignments before my 9AM to 1PM class. Somehow I arrived in Melbourne, Florida (if you don’t know where that is….find a map) by 8: 55 PM (just in time to see the So You Think You Can Dance result show—yay Ivan/Allison & Benji/Donyelle…I digress again). For those of you who are mathmatically inclined, or even those of you who can count on your fingers, that’s about 7 hours for a trip that usually takes over 8 and I stopped twice for gas (which I took out a nice low interest loan for) and once for peaches (my Floridian mother needed peaches to disperse to my other Floridian relatives)…needless to say I was driving fast.

That night I had to share a bed with my sister, who had come to visit my parents, and at times my 5 month old niece, who didn’t feel like sleeping in her crib, or at all. Thus with no sleep and a hair full of drool (from my niece) I awoke and spent the day running errands with my sister and my niece before setting out to drive another 100+ miles to WPB for the show where my mom and I picked up Jinxed, went to the venue, took Jinxed back to her hotel, and drove to Ft. Lauderdale arriving at my sister’s place at 1AM. There I “slept” on a loveseat and was back on the road by 10AM-ish on Saturday to drive back to WPB, pick Jinxed up, and begin the journey to Tampa –where I had to drive over bridges (and I don’t like bridges – thus the title of this review).

After arriving back at Jinxed’s after the Tampa show at around 12:30AM-ish we decided against sleep in favor of media work (little did we know right jinxed?). So after numerous hours of uneventful tinkering, even with the help of the almighty Shully, we decided to leave the huge HQ files loading while we went to sleep. We went to sleep after 5AM and were back at it again the next day. I finally left Jinxed’s at 3PM to drive myself back to Ft. Lauderdale where I had left my mom with my sister the previous day so that we could go back to Melbourne. Lucky me as soon as I left Jinxed’s the weather decided to get all PMS on me (which I don’t like—thus the title of this review) and seeing how I was in Tampa BAY I had to drive over bridges that reached up into the heavens (seriously I think planes were flying at an altitude somewhere below me) and driving over bridges in menstruating weather is not a pleasant thing for me (thus the title of this review). After driving for the combined lengths of what seemed like the entire northeast region I made it to Alligator Alley (I have an intense fear of those nasty devil reptiles just thinking of them makes me shudder—thus the title of this review). By the grace of Goodyear, Hyundai, the Coca-Cola company, and Frito Lays potato chips I made it to Ft. Lauderdale at around 8:30PM without falling asleep, being blown off a bridge, or torn to shreds by an alligator (devil spawn).

After sleeping at my sister’s, on the couch this time (movin on up!!!), and waking up to yet more drool from my niece (whom my sister was holding over me…HAHAHAHAnotfunny) at the lovely hour of before 8AM the ladies and I ate some lunch and then mom and I headed out again to reach my current destination of “still not home yet” Melbourne. And after a short hiatus for the fireworks tomorrow I shall be back on the road Wednesday trying to better my score of 7 hours on the way back to Georgia where I’ll sleep for a few hours before beginning my second summer term at 8AM Thursday morning.

So by my calculations….if you consider the mileage and ratio of time awake to time sleeping…carry the one and divide by the….Yeah I drove a long way on very little sleep (which ultimately could have been said a long time ago without the details but what fun would that be!!??).

Chapter 3: I Forgot There Was Supposed to Be A Concert Review in Here Somewhere

Kelly was great. The End.

I KEED I KEED.

Okay, so my mom and I picked up Jinxed at her hotel and got to Sound Advice about 6PM. We walked up to the gate and were told that the box office was on the other side of the venue but that we should keep someone in that line cause the other one was really long. So my mom offers to stay in that line while we go get our tickets. Let me go off topic for a second and say that my mom is the poo (which is good) and that if it weren’t for her I wouldn’t have seen the first season of AI and thus would not be the Kelly obsessed fan I am today…thanks mom!!! So Jinxed and I set out for the other side of the venue by way of a road that leads the tour busses in and out of the venue to the restricted area behind the stage….where we see Kelly’s busses which was cool. We get to will call and get our tickets, hers VIP, mine doodie and decide that even though the party’s happening on this side we’d travel back to my mom’s side and go in that way.

And here’s where the “lucky biatch-ness” kicks in . While walking back on that same road to the original side of the venue that we were on I call Shully to tell her that we’re there and have our tix and that I’ll call her later…so while I’m on the phone a car is slowly pulling up behind us. We sort of move over because we don’t want to die before seeing Kelly and see that the car is actually a limo (cause they aren’t really cars). So jokingly Jinxed says “maybe it’s Kelly” so we turn to look just incase. The limo turns into the restricted bus area and I see that the window’s rolled down on the rear passenger side. So the three of us (me, jinxed, and suzanne from the FC) look and see…STEVEN TYLER!!!! So while they’re trying to figure out his name I yell “STEVEN” and he looks and waves at us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then we begin to jump up and down like school children and I yell at Shully who doesn’t believe me at first and asks the mildly dumb question “How do you know?”…really Shully , come on now. So we’re all giddy about that while we stand in line and get searched before going in.

Mom and I hit the merch stand and she got a shirt (the beige one with the Kelly outline in pinks and greens). Upon leaving the stand I get waved at by a familiar face which happens to belong to lrc. We chat a while with her and her mom (nice to see you both again…and you suck for your seats…but I can one up you this time!!!) and then they go to get Starbucks. Meanwhile, mom, jinxed, sue, and I sit around like old women reminiscing about “the time we saw Steven Tyler in the limo at that concert” which was much fun and could definitely be modified into a drinking game .

Then the time comes to depart for our seats so we say goodbye to Jinxed and mom, sue, and I head to doodie land where my seats are located. We find our seats to be at the beginning of the back section under the pavillion behind the corporate “box seats.” This actually worked out well for us because most of the people in the boxes were too important to stand leaving me a clear yet mildly distant view of the stage. We chill for a few minutes until Rooney takes the stage and I promptly call my PIMP to inform her that Rooney has taken the stage and that I’ll call her back when they un-take the stage.

Rooney is good though the only song I recognize is “Shakin” or “Shake It” I’m not really sure what it’s called. I was too distracted by the fact that Kelly was coming on shortly to pay attention to whether or not I liked their songs. Rooney ends and I call shully back to tell her “Rooney ended.” We stay on the phone throughout the Ford giveaway…I didn’t win…but that could have something to do with not being entered.. . I was anticipating seeing Kelly backstage and when she appeared on the jumbotron I smiled. She was soooo cute wearing a tee and pants and her hair (which I hadn’t seen yet) was hott. She gave a peace out and ran to go get ready for the show.

When “Shook Me All Night” came on I hung up with shully and told her I’d call her back in like a minute after it was 9PM so that the rest of the call during the concert would be free minutes (I love you shully but I love lower phone bills more). At 9:00.02 I called Shully back just in time for the lights to go out and Corey’s "silouhetto of a man" to appear. As I was describing this to Shully Kelly popped up in silouhette too…and thus commenced the freaking out. And the freaking out further commenced a) when I realized she was starting with Addicted and b) when I saw her to be wearing what looked like a black bra

All of the songs were fabulous and most of the ones she’s done remained unchanged so I’ll detail those that were new or different.

BTHE—though the song was not different there was one point when she changed one of the lyrics in the verse from softer to more rocker...I can’t really remember what lyric it was but I heard it again in the audio that Jinxed got so I thought that was cool.

MAYBE—as soon as the first chord was done I knew I was going to fall in love with this song. It’s just a beautiful song in lyrics, music, and soul. I love the blend of the mellow beginning with the harder, yet still somehow fitting rock part. Just a gorgeous song…and seeing her do it live, for the first time ever no less, was an amazing thing to witness. If you watch the video Jinxed got you can see the passion she puts into this song through her facial expressions and body language. When the song was done I even told Shully that it was “my new favorite song” and I really do mean that…and not just of Kelly songs but of all songs. I want to marry this song I love it so much.

ANYMORE— I mean look at my avi and you’ll see what I love about this song. I freaked out when I saw her lying on stage and then promptly looked to the jumbotron to witness amazing videography!!! This song is great just like Maybe. I know I say Maybe is my favorite but in all honestly it’s just because of the style…all of the new songs really are great, there’s not a bad one in the bunch but they’re all so different which makes it even better. Anymore reminds me a lot of the band Garbage with the bass lines and guitar melody and the way Kelly’s singing it is very Shirley Manson (which I believe to be a good thing). Oh and the mic stand ….that’s all I’ll say. But I do believe after watching the video that she is saying something and we’re just not hearing it during that break, if you notice she’s at the mic that she uses at the beginning of Go which distorts her sound a bit and then she returns to her normal mic…I think they maybe didn’t have the mic on or we just couldn’t hear what she was saying, or moaning, or whatever (maybe those from the Raleigh show can confirm or deny).

BOY—perfect as usual, emotional as usual, acoustic with guitars (jimmy and aben) not as usual. This song with the guitars is just as pretty as it is with the piano and was just really well done.

Shelter—the set changed and we were transferred to a private dock in the Louisiana Bayou which apparently contains blacklight florescent trees, go figure. Of course this song was fabulous when she sang it for MTV and it was a most pleasant surprise to have her sing it on tour.

Home—okay I love this song although admittedly I never knew who sang it. So when I realized what it was she was singing I was excited. This song was just so good, it’s amazing how Kelly can sing covers from so many different artists and do them all justice. One of the great things about this too was that the whole band was jamming out…and Jacob and Angela (yay they’re back) were walking around grooving it was awesome. I agree with lrc who said it was underappreciated by the majority of the crowd…though I don’t think people new she was singing new material or new the covers which probably confused them. Oh and I love how the band mashed the beats of Home with those of MI, awesome.

MI—song was the same but the cool things was the screens were showing scenes from rehearsals for the tour which was pretty awesome.

Beautiful Disaster—what amazes me is that she has taken this song and beaten it over and over again into so many different entities, all of which are astounding. The feel of this song reminds me a lot of the vibe I get from Queen’s “Who Wants to live Forever” though not the same it’s just similar in it’s hauntingness.

Go—I like Go but of the new songs she sang it was my least favorite, but saying that I still think they are all great. Kelly was very energetic signing it and the little Ford video was cool.

YEAH—Yeah is a great and fun song. She has a lot of fun interacting with the band in this one and playing air guitar. When she got to the very first “YEAH” I swear my mouth dropped and I just shook my head in disbelief of her pipes. This song has to be hard to sing (as are all the new songs…think Hear Me but like doing it for 4 different songs…crazy). I love Yeah it’s sexy, flirty, dirty and just plain fun. I can see why she likes it so much.

A few more notes:

-When she came out for Breakaway everyone and their mom ran to get to her which sucked cause I was really close but had to stand on my chair cause everyone bum rushed. Then because of that she didn’t come down my row like the security guards had told us she was going to. Stupid bum rushers…stay in your seats!!!

- It was cool that Steven Tyler came just to watch her.

- People who don’t belong in or deserve meet and greets are very un-"fetch" (TM mean girls) people (jinxed can tell you more about that)

- The graphics and AV stuff was great and none of the musicality of Kelly is lost because of it, it was a nice change of pace for her shows, I thought it brought more energy to match the energy of the new songs and old songs too.

- It was my first time giving a Kellcert so I hope it was okay and I’m glad I could keep ya’ll informed

- Kelly was so ON, like beyond ON, like as ON as a person can get it was crazy. I’m so glad I got to see her on opening night and to have her be sooooo good was crazy exciting

Chapter 4: Shully Go To the Nearest Casino and Let it Ride on 7!!! Trust Me!!!

Okay it’s been almost a week since my Tampa experience so I’ll try to remember all the details (don’t you hate getting old…note: I’m 24).

After the killer night that was Friday I got little sleep on the sofa (good thing I’m short) and ventured to Jinxed’s HO-tel where we packed up and set off to Tampa. We had a very nice trip up until we got close to Tampa and Jinxed (who lives there) didn’t know where we were…yeah (more to come on Jinxed and cars later). So we eventually make it out of downtown Tampa…which really is like a quasi-city (no offense to any Tampatians that may be cruising this review) and make onto the one interstate in and out of Tampa to the beachside where we promptly get stuck in traffic hell. And what was this traffic hell for…definitely not a Devil Rays game….turns out we were sitting in the middle of a whole lotta country fans who were on their way to see Kenny Chesney and his opening act…”what’s that girls name” Carrie Underwood (note: that’ll make sense in chapter 5). We finally get to Jinxed’s house where we frantically try to upload videos from WPB but Jinxed had to go and do them in high quality so they took 28 hours to upload. We finally get ready and get out of the house, into Jinxed’s Mercedes….no seriously she has a mercedes convertible….and quite fittingly run over a sprinkler head!!! WE HAVEN’T EVEN LEFT THE DRIVEWAY AND THE GIRL RUNS OVER SOMETHING!!!! Thank God it wasn’t a small child.

Thankfully the sprinkler incident was the most eventful thing that happened to us on the way to the Ford Ampitheater allowing me plenty of time to spend thinking about our tickets and my upcoming meeting with Kelly. I seriously thought I was going to vomit all over Jinxed’s leather interior…and shockingly not because of her driving. When we get parked I grab my gifts for Kelly and we head to a barrier of concertgoers who are waiting to be allowed in. On the way there these two 20ish year old guys see us two HOTT MAMAS walking behind them and one must feel the need to express his masculinity by announcing loudly to his friend that “He’s NOT there to see Kelly Clarkson” and that he’s “going to throw his ticket away after the concert so there’s no evidence of being at a Kelly Clarkson concert”, personally any number of the gay men in attendance is more masculine than a guy who has to proclaim he’s masculine….I digress. While waiting at the human barrier I call Kristi (what up playa) to see if she’s there yet…which she isn’t so that call was a waste. We agree to call once we’ve gotten our tickets so we can see if we’re near each other.

The barrier finally breaks and Jinxed and I make our way to will call. We get in line and it’s finally her turn to get our VIP tickets. Since they sucked yesterday for her we’re pretty much in agreement that they’ll have to suck again (which is a fear of mine thus the title of this review). So Jinxed steps up and the lady locates the tickets….you know that pre-diarrhea thing Kathy Griffin talks about….yeah that was me...then the lady pulls the tickets from the envelope and lays them on the counter while Jinxed signs the envelope. Well I’m nosy and look over her shoulder to see if I can identify the seats…now I had pulled up the seating chart prior to leaving Jinxed’s so that I could maybe remember where the seats would be…and while looking over Jinxed’s shoulder I see Orch2 A…something something…so I mildly freak out but keep it all inside…cause obviously I read it wrong. So then I step up to get my meet and greet pass….all the while knowing it’s gonna be lost…but nope there it is my green piece of heaven…after signing for it with my hand shaking…I receive the pass and clutch it firmly in hand…that sucker’s not going anywhere.

Then Jinxed asks me where I think the seats are and I say I think they’re front row center…she doubts me (not a smart thing to do) and I call Shully for confirmation. She takes forever to pull the seating chart up and confirms our inquiry to be true….AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! So we officially freak out and then see drumma and sue in line and promptly cut in line with them…sorry to everyone we cut in front of if you send me your address I shall issue a public apology in writing. Once inside we’re still freaking out about the seats and then realize that there’s a gold circle…SHIZA!!! I mean we get row A and we’re still not in front…just our luck.

After chatting with the peoples Jinxed and I decide to go to our seats and check out the damage. We walk passed one usher….another….another….another…holy crap….another….finally when there’s no possible way to go any farther forward we get to our row…SWEET WE’RE IN THE FRONT ROW. Now it’s a row that’s divided by the catwalk and we’re on the stage right side of it. Now we start from the outside and work our way down until we find seats 7 and 8…keep going…keep going….keep going…holy crap we’re two seats away from the catwalk!!!!!!!!!!!!! So basically my diarrhea feeling is gone and excitement takes over.

I realize the extent of just how close we are when Rooney starts…damn they were right on top of us. And I actually enjoyed their set tonight. Good times.

So the boys from the West Coast finish and I call my girl Shully to inform her…”hey that guy Rooney just finished.” We stay on the phone throughout the Ford Mustang giveaway…this time the sound goes in and out so you really can’t hear Kelly but she’s still HOTT and gives about 3 peace outs. So finally “You Shook Me All Night Long” comes on and I pee on the floor like dogs do when company comes over.

Lights out….Corey’s up….you know what would be funny, if Corey one night just did shadow puppets instead of playing the violin….that would be HAlarious….sorry anyways…annnnnd….KELLY!!!!!!!!!

Okay so once again we’ve seen reviews and heard the audio so I won’t go song by song…just highlights for me.

Maybe—I mean it’s my favorite song so I have to comment. She just owns this song…and getting to watch her do this from so close was amazing cause you get to see every little ounce of emotion she puts into it. And there was a decent breeze (not that that made it any cooler…cause having a cooler of iced Gatorade couldn’t have done that on Saturday night…freaking HOT)…that caused her hair to blow a little bit which just made the song so much better…I don’t know why it just did damnit.

Anymore—so yeah she skipped it and I was immediately aware because she wasn’t laying on the ground. You could tell that she meant to do it because after Gone she turned to her band and basically gave them the “signal” (don’t know what the signal is but they all seemed to be on the same page) that they were gonna skip straight to BOY. This made me unhappy only because I was gonna get prime viewing of floor Kelly…oh well maybe some other time.

BOY—before the song she came out on the catwalk and you can hear this in the audio…she looked down to where our security guard was talking to a stage hand and started asking for the stools and they didn’t hear her so she kept talking finally I think if was Acceptmyheart (who was sitting right next to us) got his attention for her and she got the stools….it was so cute…and she’s so polite…she could have gone all Mary J. Blige DIVAH on him but didn’t…I honestly think she would have sat on the ground had he not eventually heard her…anywho…the song was great and as Shully reported to ya’ll it made me kinda misty in the ojos…I think it was a combination of the song and her being so close to me….she messed up the first verse which was so funny…and then when she did the “THIIIIIIIIING” she leaned back and looked over her shoulder at Aben (who is so cute with his haircut by the way) and said “Oh Jesus” and SMILED (I stress smiled because I don’t want anymore freak outs about how she’s dying and losing her voice (more on this in chapter 5).

Shelter and Thankful—amazing sitting so close. When they brought the blacklight florescent trees down one fell down and took out a Aben’s mic stand with it…I guess it was supposed to symbolize the destruction of Katrina….how poetic of them. I love this segment of the show because it’s just so funkysoulfulraw…I dunno…just good.

Home—as we know we did not go Home tonight which was a shame because she truly is amazing on this song/performance by all on stage and it would have kicked serious gluteus to have seen it that close to all that soul…one thing I forgot to mention about this for WPB was that when she gets to the part where she bumps it up a notch and the line “You don’t know nothin about this” all I could do was shake my head in disbelief/agreement…if I were in a Southern church when she sang this song I would be shaking my hands above my head, feeling the spirit, and saying “AMEN SISTA!!!!!!!!!”…and that’s not a slight to anyone it’s a compliment

MI—nothing new but I tried to throw her a PIMP hat that Shully , M2B, idolskii, jinxed, and I had gotten to throw to her in Vegas and then it was canceled and for some reason they put me in charge of it…weird. Ol’ security guard didn’t let me though which sucked.

Go—still not my favorite but she does so well on it

BD—way cooler up close you just feel like a part of that hauntingness…like a ghost or something

Hear me—so awesome to hear live and she was great on it….and if she was feeling anything she certainly didn’t let on cause she hit all the notes

Yeah—the power behind this when you’re sitting 5 centimeters away is AMAZING…this is a great song and so much fun. I still don’t know how she sings like she does…blows my mind

Breakaway—couldn’t see a thing cause security wouldn’t let us stand on chairs but everyone in front of us was…totally not complaining though cause I was in the first row

SUBG—it literally took forever for her to get back to the stage…in WPB she was back on stage by the second verse tonight she wasn’t there till like just before the repeat…people don’t mob the girl when she tries to do something cool like that to include everyone because then you’re going to make it get to a point where they don’t think it’s safe for her to do that stuff anymore and it’ll ruin it for everyone…she did get cotton candy though which was funny considering the cutesy little girl sway (ha ha…sway) she did when she talked about cotton candy earlier

She introduced that band quickly…almost fell over the raised part of the set…and ran off.

Notes:

- She came over and stood right in front of me a lot which was so friggin cool I have no words

- She was literally sweating like crazy and I could see it all…I even saw spit come out of her mouth…I tried to dive and catch it but the damn security fence got in my way

- Her voice may have been raspy…but it was in a good way.

- Oh and the title to this chapter is because….it was the first day of the 7th month, I was in seat 7, my meet and greet had me listed as Fan Club 7, and 7 is half of my jersey number 14….seriously Shully go play

Chapter 5: Try To Catch Me Ridin Dirrtay

Okay so here comes the good stuff. To preface…I’ve never had a meet and greet after about 87 times trying so I was super excited and also super nervous (thus the title of this review). Thankfully I was able to have the Express cd as an icebreaking strategy as well as Kristi for support….and later Sam (disturbed tones) as well.

Alright…so Kristi and I meet up after the show and we head over to the mob of people trying to get past the velvet rope (which was actually a 7 (see 7s again) foot tall solid wood gate/fence) which was located conveniently near a bar…I should have done a shot right quick to ease the nerves but didn’t think about it…damn….hang on I’m gonna go do one now to make up for it….okay I’m back. So Brian’s there checking passes and placing people in groups. All of the fanclubbers were in the back, as we should be. We lined up against the fence outside while Brian explained for us to stay together inline. Then we walked behind the tour busses (sadly I saw no famous people this time) but the light was on in one bus so I got a good view of the inside…for those of you who are curious…there’s leather, it’s beige. So we made our way into what I can only describe as the classroom portable you used to have that obscure class in when you were in like 9th grade. The portable was used as some sort of food establishment I guess for band members and performers. We walked in and lined up against the wall in like an L-shape…I was third to last between Kristi (who was in front of me) and Sam (behind me) and then some other chick behind her. The cool thing was since the tables were in the way we had to stand like on top of the only door in and out of the place which meant Kelly would walk in right next to us. Brian explained all the rules…picture taking, keep the cell in your pocket, she’s signed the glossy, feel free to talk she’ll talk back but don’t take up the entire time, no biting, hairpulling, scratching, or eye gouging allowed…evidently it gets rough in there. So then he passed out the glossies which I gladly took and made sure the signature was real (I’m not gonna fall for laser printed ones Kelly no m’am).

So we waited what was like forever, and we think someone said she was taking a shower…though she didn’t look wet at all (Andy get your mind out of the gutter), so maybe she just toweled off (Andy I mean it ). So finally…the door opened and I hear “Oh hey”….yeah it was KELLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She saw us all lined up right at the door and said hey…I guess she didn’t expect us to be standing rightthereontopofher. So she went over to the preplaced Ford Bold Moves backdrop and started meeting and greeting. Aside from having Kristi and Sam to help calm the nerves being able to stay in the room for the whole meet and greet was helpful…that way it wasn’t like okay next enter room there’s Kelly talk meaningfully. Also I got to see her interaction with everyone.

The crazy thing was that of all the people there (Ford, radio, The Firm) no one talked to her. It was like hug, pic, next, hug, pic, next….not that it was Kelly at all…people just didn’t converse with her. So me and Kristi and Sam were like heck yeah keep going this will give us more time with her when we get up there. So here’s a couple things that I made note of while waiting for my meet and greet:

- She asked everyone their name gave them a hug and if she didn’t get their name the first time she asked them again before they left (how intent is that…I mean what other artist would actually care about your name…I love her)

- After a few people had gone a chick came in and Brian pointed Kelly over to her…then Kelly’s like “Oh Papa John’s…thin crust…pepperoni…and cheese” and then the chick must have asked what size cause Kelly put up her left hand and made an L and was like “Laaaarge”…but if you put your left hand up and make an L…go ahead do it…it makes an L toward yourself but not to the person your facing…good job Kelly

- Kelly commented on one girl being really tan and the girl said how she had been at the Kenny Chesney concert earlier…to which Kelly replied “Oh the girl that opens for him…oh…what’s her name…uh” and the girl replied Carrie Underwood…Kelly was like “Yeah she’s good.” Good job Kelly one of your successors and you don’t even know her name.

- She also commented on people’s names…she loved a woman’s name “Billie” and commented that she “hates her name cause everyone has it”

- She would make people redo their hugs if they weren’t good enough for her liking…which gave me the idea to purposely mess up my hugs repetitively

- She also redid pics with people if Tim said their eyes were shut or something and said that she literally had to redo one chicks pic like 7 (ha ha 7) times

- When we got around to the back wall we were facing Kelly and she was facing us…and even though she was talking to the meet and greeter in front of her she would make eye contact with us as to try and include us in the conversation…which I thought was very polite and cool (Jeanne done good raising her daughter to be polite)

- This one girl from the FC told Kelly this story about how her mom had passed 2 years ago and how her best friend had done something really sweet for her to get her through the time…I didn’t hear exactly what it was but Kelly thought it was “the sweetest thing she’s ever heard of someone do for someone else” so the chick was like yeah he’s outside waiting for me to come out and Kelly had her put his number in the phone and press send…Kelly put the phone up to her ear and while she was waiting for him to pick up she was like “that’s seriously the sweetest thing, what’s his name…”…so then he picked up and Kelly was all “Um Kyle, that’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard of”….then she told him she’d send the girl out with Brian so he could come back and meet her….HOW AWESOME IS SHE!!!!!!!!! And he came back too…they went after I did so I didn’t get to see what happened but the fact that she did that was just great.

- The girl after that chick went up to Kelly and was like “I’m sorry if I cry” and Kelly was like “Don’t cry cause I’ll cry, it hasn’t been a good day.” And Kelly remembered that that girl was a twin and also that she had cut her hair….WHAT!!!! Kelly remembered the girls hair???? Whoever says she doesn’t care about her fans is jacked up.

- Kristi was next and I’ll let her tell you about her experience. But I will say that Kelly was talking in reference to Steven Tyler being there at WPB and how “I went all rock out for him and you can tell I’m paying for it today, I’m all raspy like Janis Joplin” to which me, Sam, and Kristi all agreed “That’s a GOOD thing”…I mean if you’re sounding “bad” is reminiscent to Janis Joplin then I’ll take “bad” any day

Okay now it’s time…

I walk up to Kelly with arms outstretched and as I’m hugging I say “I’m Kristen”. When we pull apart she says “you look familiar” I say “I was in the front row” she says “maybe that’s it then cause I can’t see past like the first two rows cause of the lights you know” to which I say “yeah I’m a Kelly meeting virgin.”
Then the first thing I do is reach for the Vegas Pimp Hat and tell her that some of us had gotten it for her in Vegas…”That looks like Steven Tyler-ish”… “yeah so we got it for you in Veg”…”doesn’t it look Steven Tylerish though?”…”Yes it does”…so I finally get it out of the bag and open it up (it’s got wire in it so you can squish it up…thank God)…hand it to her and without hesitation she plops it on her head where it stays for the remainder of our time together …so I finally get out that we had gotten it for her in Vegas and wanted to give it to her on stage there but “you cancelled” everyone laughed and I said “and I couldn’t go back” to which she responded “I was gonna say I thought we rescheduled”.

So next up was a gift Sue had given me to give to her which she opened…it was Stitch playing a guitar…she said “aww that’s so cute… tell her thank you”

Next came the Express cd….”So last night you got a cd from the Express…” “YES!!!!!!I love that idea it’s so awesome it’s like the best idea ever it’s so cool” “well it was Michelle and Mandie’s idea and I’m sure you’ll see them after a concert but I don’t know which one” “This is just the most awesome idea” “Well this is from all the Expressers who came to Tampa, we put our favorite son..” “You know what’s funny though is your favorite songs I already have”…So me and my witty/sarcastic self is like “Well fine then” and I take the cd out of her hands and act like I’m gonna walk away…so she laughs and grabs my left bicep and pulls me back and is like “No no”…so I kindly give it back to her and she literally reads the entire track listing on the back…I told her the first two song were mine so “say you like them” and she did mention His Eye Is On the Sparrow…and I Wish by Rascal Flatts and said “That is such a good song” “Oh yeah I picked that” “Did you really” “No I’m kidding”…So whoever picked that song Kelly loves it. I tried to tell her that our explanations were inside but she was too interested in reading the tracklisting and saying how fabulous the project was.

Okay so next were my gifts to her…first she pulled out the John Deere camo trucker hat I gave her and said “this is so cool I’m gonna wear it on stage I just haven’t gotten into my hats yet” …the coolest thing though was that the first thing she did when she pulled it out of the bag was shape the bill which is what my dad taught me to do and that’s the first thing I do to all my hats too…HOW COOL (Kelly and I are like soulmates ohmygawd)…so she goes to put the bag down and I’m like “there’s something else in there too” “oh I didn’t even see” so she pulls out a shirt from Napoleon Dynamite that’s yellow and has a picture of Pedro on the front and says Pedro Sanchez for President and on the back says ‘he’ll make all your wildest dreams come true’…she laughed when she saw it and so did Tim and Brian…then she was like “it’s funny the first two times I saw it I didn’t like it but the 3rd time I thought it was hilarious” “me too I was the same way” “Yeah I was the same for Anchorman too” “me too” (seriously I hated Anchorman the first time…we’re totally BFF now)….So she thanked me and then……

PICTURE TIME!!!!!!!

Okay so I wanted to do something funny that hadn’t been done before but the only thing I could think of was this thing I do with my cousin Alexis all the time but it’s kinda personal space stuff so I didn’t know if Kelly would do it…so I figured I’d ask and see what she said…

“You want a picture”
“Can we do something funny”
“Sure”
“Okay I have this idea but we don’t really know each other that well so if you don’t want to do it that’s totally cool.”
Before I could even get that sentence out…”NO cool let’s do it whatever”….”As long as it’s not make out or anything”….I will never in my life forget the image of her face when she said that and laughed…so awesome .
“NO no but I have to jump up on you”
“Can I wear the hat (the pimp hat she still has on)?”
Sarcastically I’m like “No…are you kidding of course”
“Okay that’s the compromise, I can wear the hat you can do something silly”
“Okay I’m gonna jump up so just catch me” This whole time she’s staring me dead in the eye listening intently to my direction.
“Okay, go”
One two three….jump…I’m now in Kelly’s arms facing her with my legs wrapped around her midsection and her hands wrapped up under my thighs….yeah….
“Okay now I’m gonna lean back and upside down so hang on” When I do this with my cousin I can go all the way back so her and I are parallel…but Kelly didn’t have a good enough grip on me and I didn’t want to take us both over…so I kept my hands on her shoulders and arched my back and put my head back upside down…
Tim’s laughing and is like “that’s a first” then click...Me mounting Kelly while she wears a PIMP hat….yeah
So Kelly’s like “okay you sit back up”
And then I jump back down “Thanks, I’m sorry”
Kelly: “How strong am I I just held her there?”
ME: “I’m shorter than you too.”
Kelly: “You make me feel good about myself”
Me: “well you make me feel bad about myself for being so short, oh by the way you were great tonight”
Kelly: “Thank you”

And here’s the best thing eva…..as I’m walking to get my purse I hear Kelly say while she’s laughing…and I quote…”She’s so funny” ……..KELLY CALLED ME FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!! Which makes my life because I like making people laugh and feel good!!!

So that is my meet and greet. Afterwards I couldn’t sleep for feeling guilty about my picture …I still do…I know I shouldn’t cause she said it was okay but I just don’t want people to get the idea that it was sexual cause it totally wasn’t…it’s really the only way you can describe it though as Kama Sutra-esque (thus the title of this chapter)…I’m kinda nervous too about how it’ll show up…I hope you can see Kelly in the picture (Kristi help me out could you see Kelly from wear you were standing).

Also I just wanted to point out two things….

1) I really must have an alter ego because I am really a shy person…and I can’t believe I had the balls to mount Kelly Clarkson….either this Sway person is pretty cool...or ya’ll at the Express give me confidence to be my self (which is what Kelly helped me to do in the first place so I guess it makes sense)

2) Probably the most important thing I learned from my meet and greet experience from beginning to end was that Kelly is a real life person…I know ya’ll are like how many shots have I done…but seriously it’s like she’s something you’ll never touch or like a surreal entity but standing there with her it really is like you’re talking to one of your friends just having a good time and it made me realize that though she makes albums, goes on tours, and appears on shows throughout the world she’s still a young woman struggling to live life with this added thing that makes it all harder… I mean she’s my age…and I thought I had stress…and I know she loves what she does and she’s blessed for it but I guess I just realize moreso of how little privacy she has…so the one thing I can say I guess would be to allow her as much privacy as you can even though the temptation may be there to find out everything about her, her friends, her babies daddy’s, her baby’s mama’s, etc.

Chapter 6 to come shortly...hope you can follow the meet and greet story!!!