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American Idol, Week 8: Strange Votes
by Dana Walker -- 08/04/2002
Seven more contestants sing (well, six sing and one shouts), resulting in another vote. The surprising results prove that, well, perhaps America is tone deaf. But most importantly, has Dana forgiven Justin?
The cheesy attempts at guffaws have hit an all-time low in tonight's introduction when the Briyans show the audience a simulated beach shot of Simon in an American Idol t-shirt, striking the stereotypical body builder pose. Funny AND oh-so clever. Take this act on the road, seriously.
They get around to mentioning that tonight's theme is "Songs From the 70s," then continue blathering something about pork rinds and tighty-whiteys. Oh no, stop it before I laugh so hard that Coca-Cola sprays through my nose on to my Ford Focus!
Bring out the kids. Introduce the judges. "The only one of the Jacksons who still has his original nose, Randy Jackson." Guys, please! My sides hurt!
"The bold and the beautiful Paula Abdul." Bold about what? Being less objective about these kids' performances than their own mothers?
"The Prince of Darkness himself - Simon Cowell." My sarcasm allotment has been exceeded for this segment, so I'll move on.
The kids spent the week doing a photo shoot for US Weekly magazine. They dress up; they pose; they look cute. Nothing ground breaking here.
Nikki McKibbin is the first performer tonight. The video clip of Nikki with the Us Weekly photographer before she "sings" shows us her "sweet, shy" side. (Is that the side that can actually sing? No? Oh, okay.) She chooses "Heartbreaker" (Pat Benatar, not Led Zeppelin or the Rolling Stones). She shouts through it, altering the melody to suit her five-note-holler-range, then attempts the high note at the end (cringe) and the note she manages to warble out is so thin you could line a birdcage with it. (I'll leave out the myriad comments about bird crap that suddenly come to mind.) But I'm sure the judges won't agree, because when Nikki takes the stage, they suddenly turn a collective deaf ear. (As always, these are not direct quotes, they are summaries of the judges' statements.)
Randy: Love the outfit, love the hair, and I think you're more in your element now. (Sure says a lot about her talent, doesn't he?)
Paula: Week to week you've been finding your own path. You're taking risks, but they're not really risks because it shows who you are. Congratulations. (My interpretation of that is - "I'm not willing to abandon my 'nice guy' image and say anything constructive because it might affect my future album sales.")
Simon: Nikki, Paula said that you've changed so much over the weeks. This is a problem because we are here today to find the best undiscovered talent. We have very good singers here; the competition really kicks off tonight. That was a copycat performance. It wasn't good enough, and you will not win the show. (Almost the voice of reason, Simon, but copycat of whom? Pat Benatar? HARDLY. The only thing that comes to my mind that she may have copied is Ryan Starr's horrendous display from last week.)
So Nikki joins the Briyans. Our host conglomeration consoles Nikki while giving Simon the now patented "How dare you!" scowl. Nikki whines something like, "Well, I don't know how it could be a copycat performance. I've never even heard that song until three days ago." Simon responds, "I just don't think you're that undiscovered talent," and the chipper cheerleader herself interjects, "Nikki - America decides that." (Paula states the obvious.)
During the commercial break, there is the best commercial my roommate and I have ever seen. There's a hot guy dancing around in his boxer briefs looking like he just won the lottery and wouldn't have to pay taxes on the winnings. I mean, seriously, no one has ever been as happy as this guy is. Turns out it's a commercial for a new line of boxer briefs being sold at Kmart, of all things. (Didn't they go bankrupt?) My roommate would like to have this guy delivered to our apartment, please. We have a cot set up for him in the living room, so someone send him out here ASAP. Thanks.
Back to the show. "Brace yourself for the unstoppable force that is - Ryan Starr." (Unstoppable force? What is she, a tornado? Who writes this garbage?) In her video clip, Ryan says that she dresses "tomboy-edgy" for the show. (Right. Tomboys are well known for constantly baring the midriff region.) Has anyone else noticed that this poor little girl doesn't seem like the brightest bulb in the box? Well, she's going to be a big famous pop star, not a neurosurgeon, so I guess that doesn't matter. Ryan sings "Last Dance," and the first 30 seconds of the song she's not following the musicians at all. She's just vocally stumbling along are they letting her do shots before the show now? (That might explain last week's crash and burn ) Wait she's not old enough to drink. (Or vote. Or drive.)
Side note: Before some wise ass emails me and writes, "Ryan Starr IS old enough to vote AND drive - she's 19! Check your facts!" allow me to point this out - it's called SARCASM. Learn the concept.
Okay, back to Ryan's performance. She's pretty good, but she doesn't "go for it" at all. While the original version is rather difficult to sing, she decides to keep the song well within a less-than-challenging range. And her outfit is cool, of course - she looks sexy, her stomach is exposed for all of the world to bounce quarters on it - but what's with the knee-high combat boots? Oh, right she's tomboy-edgy. I forgot. A true punk rocker, that Ryan Starr. A force with which to be reckoned unstoppable, even. (Whew - I'd better cut back on the cynic juice.) So her performance is (to borrow a quote from "The Prince of Darkness" from a couple of weeks ago) good-ish. Judges?
Randy: That was a better choice of song, but it wasn't exciting for me. (Ryan widens her eyes in disbelief - how dare you say that! I'm Ryan Starr - my mere presence in this room alone sets pulses racing! Hello - have you seen these abs, Randy?) I'm sorry - you performed it better than you sang it.
Paula: I disagree completely. This was an important week for you. You came back, picked a good song, it's in your range (note to Paula: if she had performed it as it was originally done, it would no longer be in her range), and you were allowed to enjoy yourself. Everyone else enjoyed it. Good for you. (This is Paula's new phrase - a daring leap away from "Good job.")
Simon: I almost agree with Paula last week was the equivalent of a musical train wreck. You need to figure out who you are. The American audience is looking for originality, and we've gone from horrendous to good but so different. What we're trying to find is who you are - if you survive this week, and I think you will - you've got to figure that out, because I don't have a clue.
Paula takes this opportunity to point out that the kids have to choose from a different era of music every week, and some of them are singing songs they've never even heard before. (Doesn't seem to be an issue for Tamyra or Kelly )
One of the Briyans says something about spending the seventies playing with his little friend. The other one looks at him expectantly. "I meant my G.I. Joe." Whoa! I almost cracked a smile that time. Getting close, guys.
Christina goes next. Her photo shoot with Us Weekly shows that she should clearly take up a career in modeling. She's probably got every modeling agency in the states (and possibly a few abroad) chomping at the bit to get to her hey, at least she has a back-up career at the ready. She sings "Ain't No Sunshine" and is so much better than last week. She looks and sounds at ease (not to mention how stunning she looks), and although that tremolo still pops out often, it fits this song better than last week's choice. And the judges say:
Randy: You are my pick for most improved since last week. You look beautiful, you actually listened to the commentary we gave, and you got better.
Paula: If this were the Olympics, then this is your golden moment. You are a star.
Simon: For once I agree with these two. You were absolutely fantastic - very Sade.
The self-described "high-energy guy" Justin follows Christina. Okay, now many readers agreed with my assessment of Justin's display of megalomania last week, but one woman asked me why I wasn't "sticking by my guns," as I had "claimed possession" of him from the beginning and should remain loyal even with his "ego out in full force." Interesting POV, sure, but he just happened to commit an infraction equivalent to that of cheating on one's girlfriend with the entire Laker Girls' squad. (No, I don't tend to exaggerate.)
Okay, on to Justin's performance. He sings "Someday We'll All Be Free." While he sings the song very well, he opts to keep the Justin-ness to a minimum this week (meaning there are no giant splashes of swoon-inducing schmaltz hitting the camera lenses). Not exactly the best ammo for the teenage fans, my dear, but I liked it quite a bit. (Has he begun the redemption process? I'll let you know.) But the judges may beg to differ:
Randy: This song does nothing for you. You know you're mad talented, you know you're good-looking, you know you have the female fans you've got to find out the type of song you should be singing.
Paula: I believed you way more tonight than last week. Your voice was stronger and better -
Right here, Justin extends a personal apology to me because he desperately wants to restore his title of "my Justin." (Well, it's not directly addressed to me ) Anyway, he starts off by wanting to apologize for his behavior last week, and explains that he got caught up in the moment, that it all went to his head for a minute, but he's not really like that, and he just wanted to apologize to everyone for it.
So Paula says, "You don't have to apologize. You know what? In your young years as an entertainer, you have levity and to admit something like that is a show of true talent."
Simon: You've proved yourself to be a man because you can admit that you made a mistake. Even I made a mistake - once. (Groans emit from Randy, Paula, and the audience). Yeah, sitting here with these two. (Now that actually did give me a giggle his wisecracks are just delivered with so much panache.) Notwithstanding - I agree with Randy about that not being the right song, but Paula's right in that you proved that you can really sing well.
The Briyans ask Justin about his statement, and he says that he just wanted to clear the air so that we can all move on.
Ah, Justin your apology was well intended, I'm sure. But, for future reference, remember these two things:
America is forgetful.
America is extremely fickle.
So, sweetheart, by bringing it up again, you just reminded America that you behaved like a complete egomaniac last week. In doing so, America thinks, "Oh, yeah, I forgot - he's the conceited guy! Who cares how well he sings? I don't like him anymore!" (Or something to that effect - I can't be totally accurate in speaking on America's behalf.) Regardless, I think that behaving from this point on with a modicum of humility would have been a better maneuver than extending an apology that a) could be interpreted as more publicist-advised than heartfelt (even if it was genuine) and b) refreshed the memory of an audience well-known for it's absentmindedness.
My point now being steeped in overkill, I'll move on to Kelly. She's a down-home girl, meaning that even though she's cute as hell and can sing her little butt off, she'll never be too good to jaw with the rednecks, eat them there grits, and bale some hay. Yeehah, Kelly girl! She sings "Don't Play That Song." Can I just tell you that this kid gets better every single week? She looks great, and she sounds phenomenal. I know that I mentioned before that I thought her voice is a bit on the thin side, but well maybe it's gotten thicker, because she's just impressing the hell out of me now. But let's hear what the judges think, since I'm no real authority on this (yet ):
Randy: Absolutely brilliant, man I love your voice. You give me chills.
Paula: You are the real thing. You have such a strong sense of yourself I can't even say anything else. (How about - and this is just a whimsical suggestion here - "good for you"?)
Simon: You have this old-fashioned charm about you - and I mean that in a good way, like Patsy Cline. Some of these girls today are described as divas, which is another way of saying I've forgotten who my fans are, and I don't think that will happen to you.
Well said, Simon I don't think so, either. See, Kelly, Christina, and RJ are the only three who so far have not shown the slightest bit of conceit. And to that I have only one thing to say GOOD FOR YOU!
After Kelly moves over to the Briyans, Ryan Seacrest (the blond one) jumps off the stage, runs over to Simon, and says, "I think I just caught Simon enjoying himself! He was snapping along to Kelly's song and actually moving around in his chair!"
And Simon blatantly flips him off.
Yes, he did. And I'm pretty sure he muttered something involving the dreaded f-word, too. Maybe you East Coasters can verify the true tale here, because the West Coast feed cut out most of this little ruckus. Ryan Seacrest actually talked about it on his radio show the next day (for those who don't know this, he's an afternoon DJ for Star 98.7 in Los Angeles) - here are two quotes from Ryan's recap of that moment:
"Yeah, he flipped me off! And I've heard rumors that he's done it before!" DUH! Who hasn't noticed Simon scratching his face with his middle finger after the Briyans have addressed him? (Raise your hands - okay, you two over there? You need to study the fine art of getting a clue.)
"I honestly think he's doing it on purpose to me." DUH AGAIN! (Ryan, I'm going to assume that you were being facetious, because if I don't, I can't listen to your radio show anymore. Since I like you and your co-host Lisa Fox a whole bunch, this time I'm going to let you off with a warning.)
Conclude ranting. Proceed recapping.
RJ performs "Superstition." He performs it well, liberally tossing around the boy-group-hip-swivel-move. Vocally speaking, I do like him (as I always have), but I still think he's more of an ensemble performer than a solo guy. Or, as my mom has suggested, maybe he could try crooning some Johnny Mathis tunes. Anyway, my roommate thinks he's "so cute!" (sorry, Jim when you went away, RJ stole your L.A. girlfriend), and we all know that that's all that matters in the end. The judges' critique is:
Randy: Excellent, excellent still love those initials, dawg. (You guys have the same initials? We had no idea!)
Paula: (Emphatically slamming her hands on the table) This is what I've been waiting for!
Simon: I haven't. Boy band - yes; American Idol - no. (Jeers from the audience.)
Well, at least RJ can take comfort in knowing that if he doesn't win the show, Randy Jackson will produce an album for him as long as he titles it "RJ and the Man," that is. (Permission to roll your eyes granted.)
There's a "Coca-Cola Moment" where the kids celebrate Tamyra's 23rd birthday. Hurrah.
Then Tamyra gets to perform. In her video clip she says that she's uncomfortable showing off her legs because "they're twigs" (that would explain all of the floor-length skirts week after week) and that she's much more prone toward "embracing the silliness" than being serious. But when she comes out to perform "If I Were Your Woman," she's all business. (Does anyone else think of Diana Ross every time Tamyra walks out on to the stage? Let's hope Tamyra's ego doesn't eventually take over half of Michigan the way Diana's did.) She delivers yet another fantastic, goose bump-inducing performance. Nothing new to say there. The judges summarize as so:
Randy: You are the most consistent of all of the contestants. Excellent.
Paula: It is a total privilege to be sitting here - you keep raising the bar, what are you some kind of a (stumbles over the word pole-vaulter) or something? When I think you can't, you do. Good for you.
Simon: We've just gone from a pony to a racehorse. Based on that performance - if they don't vote you through as the American Idol, I think it would be total madness.
Moving on to the next day, the morning of the results show I was flooded with emails asking if, having heard his apology (which was obviously inspired by my article from last week), I had un-denounced Justin. Well, I was still vacillating on how to perceive his apology then, so I couldn't give an accurate answer yet. Now I can but you'll have to read to the end to find out. (No, I'm not being evil, I just want you to read this whole thing, not just certain sections. Besides, I know you're all skipping to the end right now. Cheaters.)
So the results show starts with the kids out on stage. The Briyans report that 9.2 million votes were called in. The judges are introduced without the usual cheesy fanfare, and the attention is quickly returned to the kids. Christina is asked about her return to glory from her bottom-three ranked performance last week. She says she just really loved her song this week. Good enough reason. Then they ask Ryan Starr who she thinks she is (in response to Simon's declaration about her musical identity crisis). She responds, "I'm half rock, half pop, half R&B, and a quarter everything else." (Wow, if you add up Ryan's parts, there's almost two of her. Interesting.)
Tonight they have the kids perform together live on stage. This time I actually enjoy their rendition of "Joy to the World," with the exception of Nikki McKibbin yelling the first line, "Jeremiah was a bullfrog!" (I just had a thought - do you think she shouts all the time because she's mad at somebody? Maybe that would explain it. Perhaps some anger management courses are in order.) It was also nice to not have A.J. Gil's wussy voice permeating the mix while playing air-acoustic. Ugh.
A "Ford Focus" moment asks the kids, "Who's the messiest in the house?" I didn't really pay attention though, as I was trying to figure out what Ryan Starr's other quarter of her two hundred percent should be. Oddly enough, I come up with absolutely nothing.
Okay, let's cut to the bottom three here. The Briyans give us the dramatic recap of the judges' commentary. Tamyra is safe. (She pretends to look relieved but we all know she's thinking, "Um, yeah - hello!") Kelly is safe. (She smiles her happy little down-home-girl smile.)
Nikki sticks her tongue out when the boys repeat what Simon had said about her last night. (Classy and mature.) Upon hearing that she is in the bottom three, she says, "Damn it." As she steps over Ryan Starr to stand beneath the dreaded "loser" spotlight, they exchange words - and those words did not appear to be friendly ones. (Did someone mouth the word "bitch"? I smell a catfight!) Ryan then finds out that she's also in the bottom three and has to stand next to her apparently not-so-favorite person. (This week she omits skipping merrily to her place. Good call.)
RJ is safe. We are left dangling at the commercial break wondering, will the third one be Justin or Christina?
(How long must that two-and-a-half-minute commercial break feel to those two kids?)
And it's Justin. My theory about America's memory being refreshed becomes the brutal truth for him as the Briyans ask the judges why these three have been singled out.
Randy: Well, they had the worst performances of the group. The game's been raised to the nth degree, man - this competition is serious now.
Paula: (When asked why she thinks Justin is standing there) You know, I would be a liar to say that I know I definitely think that song selection is everything. But I'm sad to see any of you go.
Simon: See, the three who got voted off before had no talent, and now we're down to the real talent. Song choice is key, and whoever gets to stay - this could be the best thing that happens for you. Song choice is the key, and it's really going to kick in next week.
The Briyans decide to "make it easier for one of you" and reveal who gets to rejoin the group. It's
Nikki McKibbin?!?!
Do you mean to tell me that Justin's misguided display of conceit now makes Nikki McKibbin a greater talent than he? Did anyone listen to their actual performances? Does everyone fail to take notice of the fact that Justin can sing not only on pitch but also with control and charisma, while Nikki bellows out what I fear will be "I Love Rock & Roll" altered to suit the needs of her limited scream index?
Okay, I'm now forced to rationalize this enormous error in judgment by assuming that the majority of the American public is tone deaf. (That would explain the popularity of oh, right. The list is far too long.)
After the next commercial break we'll find out if it's Justin or Ryan getting that one-way ticket back to anonymity.
You people have put Nikki in the top five once again. But you know that, because you did it. So if this instigates a revival of Lita Ford's career, you all have no one to blame but yourselves.
We come back to hear that the vote was very close, that one of the two just squeaked by. My heart is in my throat - "Don't you dear vote off my Justin!" I shout at America. (Did I just say that?)
America votes off Ryan Starr. My Justin is safe.
And it seems that my Justin is once again mine.
All right anyone who knows me knows what a sucker I am for an apology, be it forced or not. Besides, the fact that he's 1) only twenty-three, 2) quite suddenly having his every move scrutinized as though he's under a microscope, and 3) actually has the talent to back up such a faux pas, I'm willing to resurrect my devotion. Who among us hasn't said something they've regretted then proceeded to apologize, only to have the attempt to make amends spiked down with the force of Gabby Reece?
I, for one, am not that good of a volleyball player. My Justin, welcome back. You can sleep through the night once more.
But we now must say goodbye to the force that has been stopped. She's crying, the other kids are hugging her, and she speaks her final words to the judges. "Despite your harsh criticism (she pauses) Simon, I've learned a lot and I'm going to take a lot from this."
They show the video recap of Ryan's journey from her Los Angeles audition to the heart-breaking moment at hand, then the judges give her some final words of advice.
Randy: Keep striving Ryan. You've got star in your name (it's a made-up name - her real name is Tiffany Montgomery - but okay), so keep working it.
Paula: As an artist you've just done something so difficult to do - you took last week's performance and you raised it back to the platform that you deserve to be on. You rose above it all with dignity and grace. I have no doubt that you're going to be a big star.
Simon: You are the first of the artists I would say - call me anytime you want for any help you want, because I actually think that you can achieve anything you want to do. You've grown so much in this competition.
The Briyans recap that we have just eliminated another one and that we're down to six finalists. (Thanks, guys - the elimination happened so quickly I got confused as to what just happened.) They cue up the music for Ryan Starr to sing one last time.
Okay, now that's just beyond cruel. She's crying, standing in front of 10 million people having just found out that the American public thinks that Nikki McKibbin is better than she is, and they want her to sing "Last Dance" again. My guess is that she'll never again in her life be able to hear that song without putting one of her oh-so-stylishly wrapped fists through a windowpane.
Best of luck to you, Tiffany Montgomery.
And welcome back, my Justin.
Dana Walker is a writer/singer/songwriter/former reality show contestant living in the Los Angeles area. Contact her at LilDanaSunshine@aol.com. (Yes, she's back on AOL for now - MSN is giving her problems.)
American Idol, Week 8: Strange Votes
by Dana Walker -- 08/04/2002
Seven more contestants sing (well, six sing and one shouts), resulting in another vote. The surprising results prove that, well, perhaps America is tone deaf. But most importantly, has Dana forgiven Justin?
The cheesy attempts at guffaws have hit an all-time low in tonight's introduction when the Briyans show the audience a simulated beach shot of Simon in an American Idol t-shirt, striking the stereotypical body builder pose. Funny AND oh-so clever. Take this act on the road, seriously.
They get around to mentioning that tonight's theme is "Songs From the 70s," then continue blathering something about pork rinds and tighty-whiteys. Oh no, stop it before I laugh so hard that Coca-Cola sprays through my nose on to my Ford Focus!
Bring out the kids. Introduce the judges. "The only one of the Jacksons who still has his original nose, Randy Jackson." Guys, please! My sides hurt!
"The bold and the beautiful Paula Abdul." Bold about what? Being less objective about these kids' performances than their own mothers?
"The Prince of Darkness himself - Simon Cowell." My sarcasm allotment has been exceeded for this segment, so I'll move on.
The kids spent the week doing a photo shoot for US Weekly magazine. They dress up; they pose; they look cute. Nothing ground breaking here.
Nikki McKibbin is the first performer tonight. The video clip of Nikki with the Us Weekly photographer before she "sings" shows us her "sweet, shy" side. (Is that the side that can actually sing? No? Oh, okay.) She chooses "Heartbreaker" (Pat Benatar, not Led Zeppelin or the Rolling Stones). She shouts through it, altering the melody to suit her five-note-holler-range, then attempts the high note at the end (cringe) and the note she manages to warble out is so thin you could line a birdcage with it. (I'll leave out the myriad comments about bird crap that suddenly come to mind.) But I'm sure the judges won't agree, because when Nikki takes the stage, they suddenly turn a collective deaf ear. (As always, these are not direct quotes, they are summaries of the judges' statements.)
Randy: Love the outfit, love the hair, and I think you're more in your element now. (Sure says a lot about her talent, doesn't he?)
Paula: Week to week you've been finding your own path. You're taking risks, but they're not really risks because it shows who you are. Congratulations. (My interpretation of that is - "I'm not willing to abandon my 'nice guy' image and say anything constructive because it might affect my future album sales.")
Simon: Nikki, Paula said that you've changed so much over the weeks. This is a problem because we are here today to find the best undiscovered talent. We have very good singers here; the competition really kicks off tonight. That was a copycat performance. It wasn't good enough, and you will not win the show. (Almost the voice of reason, Simon, but copycat of whom? Pat Benatar? HARDLY. The only thing that comes to my mind that she may have copied is Ryan Starr's horrendous display from last week.)
So Nikki joins the Briyans. Our host conglomeration consoles Nikki while giving Simon the now patented "How dare you!" scowl. Nikki whines something like, "Well, I don't know how it could be a copycat performance. I've never even heard that song until three days ago." Simon responds, "I just don't think you're that undiscovered talent," and the chipper cheerleader herself interjects, "Nikki - America decides that." (Paula states the obvious.)
During the commercial break, there is the best commercial my roommate and I have ever seen. There's a hot guy dancing around in his boxer briefs looking like he just won the lottery and wouldn't have to pay taxes on the winnings. I mean, seriously, no one has ever been as happy as this guy is. Turns out it's a commercial for a new line of boxer briefs being sold at Kmart, of all things. (Didn't they go bankrupt?) My roommate would like to have this guy delivered to our apartment, please. We have a cot set up for him in the living room, so someone send him out here ASAP. Thanks.
Back to the show. "Brace yourself for the unstoppable force that is - Ryan Starr." (Unstoppable force? What is she, a tornado? Who writes this garbage?) In her video clip, Ryan says that she dresses "tomboy-edgy" for the show. (Right. Tomboys are well known for constantly baring the midriff region.) Has anyone else noticed that this poor little girl doesn't seem like the brightest bulb in the box? Well, she's going to be a big famous pop star, not a neurosurgeon, so I guess that doesn't matter. Ryan sings "Last Dance," and the first 30 seconds of the song she's not following the musicians at all. She's just vocally stumbling along are they letting her do shots before the show now? (That might explain last week's crash and burn ) Wait she's not old enough to drink. (Or vote. Or drive.)
Side note: Before some wise ass emails me and writes, "Ryan Starr IS old enough to vote AND drive - she's 19! Check your facts!" allow me to point this out - it's called SARCASM. Learn the concept.
Okay, back to Ryan's performance. She's pretty good, but she doesn't "go for it" at all. While the original version is rather difficult to sing, she decides to keep the song well within a less-than-challenging range. And her outfit is cool, of course - she looks sexy, her stomach is exposed for all of the world to bounce quarters on it - but what's with the knee-high combat boots? Oh, right she's tomboy-edgy. I forgot. A true punk rocker, that Ryan Starr. A force with which to be reckoned unstoppable, even. (Whew - I'd better cut back on the cynic juice.) So her performance is (to borrow a quote from "The Prince of Darkness" from a couple of weeks ago) good-ish. Judges?
Randy: That was a better choice of song, but it wasn't exciting for me. (Ryan widens her eyes in disbelief - how dare you say that! I'm Ryan Starr - my mere presence in this room alone sets pulses racing! Hello - have you seen these abs, Randy?) I'm sorry - you performed it better than you sang it.
Paula: I disagree completely. This was an important week for you. You came back, picked a good song, it's in your range (note to Paula: if she had performed it as it was originally done, it would no longer be in her range), and you were allowed to enjoy yourself. Everyone else enjoyed it. Good for you. (This is Paula's new phrase - a daring leap away from "Good job.")
Simon: I almost agree with Paula last week was the equivalent of a musical train wreck. You need to figure out who you are. The American audience is looking for originality, and we've gone from horrendous to good but so different. What we're trying to find is who you are - if you survive this week, and I think you will - you've got to figure that out, because I don't have a clue.
Paula takes this opportunity to point out that the kids have to choose from a different era of music every week, and some of them are singing songs they've never even heard before. (Doesn't seem to be an issue for Tamyra or Kelly )
One of the Briyans says something about spending the seventies playing with his little friend. The other one looks at him expectantly. "I meant my G.I. Joe." Whoa! I almost cracked a smile that time. Getting close, guys.
Christina goes next. Her photo shoot with Us Weekly shows that she should clearly take up a career in modeling. She's probably got every modeling agency in the states (and possibly a few abroad) chomping at the bit to get to her hey, at least she has a back-up career at the ready. She sings "Ain't No Sunshine" and is so much better than last week. She looks and sounds at ease (not to mention how stunning she looks), and although that tremolo still pops out often, it fits this song better than last week's choice. And the judges say:
Randy: You are my pick for most improved since last week. You look beautiful, you actually listened to the commentary we gave, and you got better.
Paula: If this were the Olympics, then this is your golden moment. You are a star.
Simon: For once I agree with these two. You were absolutely fantastic - very Sade.
The self-described "high-energy guy" Justin follows Christina. Okay, now many readers agreed with my assessment of Justin's display of megalomania last week, but one woman asked me why I wasn't "sticking by my guns," as I had "claimed possession" of him from the beginning and should remain loyal even with his "ego out in full force." Interesting POV, sure, but he just happened to commit an infraction equivalent to that of cheating on one's girlfriend with the entire Laker Girls' squad. (No, I don't tend to exaggerate.)
Okay, on to Justin's performance. He sings "Someday We'll All Be Free." While he sings the song very well, he opts to keep the Justin-ness to a minimum this week (meaning there are no giant splashes of swoon-inducing schmaltz hitting the camera lenses). Not exactly the best ammo for the teenage fans, my dear, but I liked it quite a bit. (Has he begun the redemption process? I'll let you know.) But the judges may beg to differ:
Randy: This song does nothing for you. You know you're mad talented, you know you're good-looking, you know you have the female fans you've got to find out the type of song you should be singing.
Paula: I believed you way more tonight than last week. Your voice was stronger and better -
Right here, Justin extends a personal apology to me because he desperately wants to restore his title of "my Justin." (Well, it's not directly addressed to me ) Anyway, he starts off by wanting to apologize for his behavior last week, and explains that he got caught up in the moment, that it all went to his head for a minute, but he's not really like that, and he just wanted to apologize to everyone for it.
So Paula says, "You don't have to apologize. You know what? In your young years as an entertainer, you have levity and to admit something like that is a show of true talent."
Simon: You've proved yourself to be a man because you can admit that you made a mistake. Even I made a mistake - once. (Groans emit from Randy, Paula, and the audience). Yeah, sitting here with these two. (Now that actually did give me a giggle his wisecracks are just delivered with so much panache.) Notwithstanding - I agree with Randy about that not being the right song, but Paula's right in that you proved that you can really sing well.
The Briyans ask Justin about his statement, and he says that he just wanted to clear the air so that we can all move on.
Ah, Justin your apology was well intended, I'm sure. But, for future reference, remember these two things:
America is forgetful.
America is extremely fickle.
So, sweetheart, by bringing it up again, you just reminded America that you behaved like a complete egomaniac last week. In doing so, America thinks, "Oh, yeah, I forgot - he's the conceited guy! Who cares how well he sings? I don't like him anymore!" (Or something to that effect - I can't be totally accurate in speaking on America's behalf.) Regardless, I think that behaving from this point on with a modicum of humility would have been a better maneuver than extending an apology that a) could be interpreted as more publicist-advised than heartfelt (even if it was genuine) and b) refreshed the memory of an audience well-known for it's absentmindedness.
My point now being steeped in overkill, I'll move on to Kelly. She's a down-home girl, meaning that even though she's cute as hell and can sing her little butt off, she'll never be too good to jaw with the rednecks, eat them there grits, and bale some hay. Yeehah, Kelly girl! She sings "Don't Play That Song." Can I just tell you that this kid gets better every single week? She looks great, and she sounds phenomenal. I know that I mentioned before that I thought her voice is a bit on the thin side, but well maybe it's gotten thicker, because she's just impressing the hell out of me now. But let's hear what the judges think, since I'm no real authority on this (yet ):
Randy: Absolutely brilliant, man I love your voice. You give me chills.
Paula: You are the real thing. You have such a strong sense of yourself I can't even say anything else. (How about - and this is just a whimsical suggestion here - "good for you"?)
Simon: You have this old-fashioned charm about you - and I mean that in a good way, like Patsy Cline. Some of these girls today are described as divas, which is another way of saying I've forgotten who my fans are, and I don't think that will happen to you.
Well said, Simon I don't think so, either. See, Kelly, Christina, and RJ are the only three who so far have not shown the slightest bit of conceit. And to that I have only one thing to say GOOD FOR YOU!
After Kelly moves over to the Briyans, Ryan Seacrest (the blond one) jumps off the stage, runs over to Simon, and says, "I think I just caught Simon enjoying himself! He was snapping along to Kelly's song and actually moving around in his chair!"
And Simon blatantly flips him off.
Yes, he did. And I'm pretty sure he muttered something involving the dreaded f-word, too. Maybe you East Coasters can verify the true tale here, because the West Coast feed cut out most of this little ruckus. Ryan Seacrest actually talked about it on his radio show the next day (for those who don't know this, he's an afternoon DJ for Star 98.7 in Los Angeles) - here are two quotes from Ryan's recap of that moment:
"Yeah, he flipped me off! And I've heard rumors that he's done it before!" DUH! Who hasn't noticed Simon scratching his face with his middle finger after the Briyans have addressed him? (Raise your hands - okay, you two over there? You need to study the fine art of getting a clue.)
"I honestly think he's doing it on purpose to me." DUH AGAIN! (Ryan, I'm going to assume that you were being facetious, because if I don't, I can't listen to your radio show anymore. Since I like you and your co-host Lisa Fox a whole bunch, this time I'm going to let you off with a warning.)
Conclude ranting. Proceed recapping.
RJ performs "Superstition." He performs it well, liberally tossing around the boy-group-hip-swivel-move. Vocally speaking, I do like him (as I always have), but I still think he's more of an ensemble performer than a solo guy. Or, as my mom has suggested, maybe he could try crooning some Johnny Mathis tunes. Anyway, my roommate thinks he's "so cute!" (sorry, Jim when you went away, RJ stole your L.A. girlfriend), and we all know that that's all that matters in the end. The judges' critique is:
Randy: Excellent, excellent still love those initials, dawg. (You guys have the same initials? We had no idea!)
Paula: (Emphatically slamming her hands on the table) This is what I've been waiting for!
Simon: I haven't. Boy band - yes; American Idol - no. (Jeers from the audience.)
Well, at least RJ can take comfort in knowing that if he doesn't win the show, Randy Jackson will produce an album for him as long as he titles it "RJ and the Man," that is. (Permission to roll your eyes granted.)
There's a "Coca-Cola Moment" where the kids celebrate Tamyra's 23rd birthday. Hurrah.
Then Tamyra gets to perform. In her video clip she says that she's uncomfortable showing off her legs because "they're twigs" (that would explain all of the floor-length skirts week after week) and that she's much more prone toward "embracing the silliness" than being serious. But when she comes out to perform "If I Were Your Woman," she's all business. (Does anyone else think of Diana Ross every time Tamyra walks out on to the stage? Let's hope Tamyra's ego doesn't eventually take over half of Michigan the way Diana's did.) She delivers yet another fantastic, goose bump-inducing performance. Nothing new to say there. The judges summarize as so:
Randy: You are the most consistent of all of the contestants. Excellent.
Paula: It is a total privilege to be sitting here - you keep raising the bar, what are you some kind of a (stumbles over the word pole-vaulter) or something? When I think you can't, you do. Good for you.
Simon: We've just gone from a pony to a racehorse. Based on that performance - if they don't vote you through as the American Idol, I think it would be total madness.
Moving on to the next day, the morning of the results show I was flooded with emails asking if, having heard his apology (which was obviously inspired by my article from last week), I had un-denounced Justin. Well, I was still vacillating on how to perceive his apology then, so I couldn't give an accurate answer yet. Now I can but you'll have to read to the end to find out. (No, I'm not being evil, I just want you to read this whole thing, not just certain sections. Besides, I know you're all skipping to the end right now. Cheaters.)
So the results show starts with the kids out on stage. The Briyans report that 9.2 million votes were called in. The judges are introduced without the usual cheesy fanfare, and the attention is quickly returned to the kids. Christina is asked about her return to glory from her bottom-three ranked performance last week. She says she just really loved her song this week. Good enough reason. Then they ask Ryan Starr who she thinks she is (in response to Simon's declaration about her musical identity crisis). She responds, "I'm half rock, half pop, half R&B, and a quarter everything else." (Wow, if you add up Ryan's parts, there's almost two of her. Interesting.)
Tonight they have the kids perform together live on stage. This time I actually enjoy their rendition of "Joy to the World," with the exception of Nikki McKibbin yelling the first line, "Jeremiah was a bullfrog!" (I just had a thought - do you think she shouts all the time because she's mad at somebody? Maybe that would explain it. Perhaps some anger management courses are in order.) It was also nice to not have A.J. Gil's wussy voice permeating the mix while playing air-acoustic. Ugh.
A "Ford Focus" moment asks the kids, "Who's the messiest in the house?" I didn't really pay attention though, as I was trying to figure out what Ryan Starr's other quarter of her two hundred percent should be. Oddly enough, I come up with absolutely nothing.
Okay, let's cut to the bottom three here. The Briyans give us the dramatic recap of the judges' commentary. Tamyra is safe. (She pretends to look relieved but we all know she's thinking, "Um, yeah - hello!") Kelly is safe. (She smiles her happy little down-home-girl smile.)
Nikki sticks her tongue out when the boys repeat what Simon had said about her last night. (Classy and mature.) Upon hearing that she is in the bottom three, she says, "Damn it." As she steps over Ryan Starr to stand beneath the dreaded "loser" spotlight, they exchange words - and those words did not appear to be friendly ones. (Did someone mouth the word "bitch"? I smell a catfight!) Ryan then finds out that she's also in the bottom three and has to stand next to her apparently not-so-favorite person. (This week she omits skipping merrily to her place. Good call.)
RJ is safe. We are left dangling at the commercial break wondering, will the third one be Justin or Christina?
(How long must that two-and-a-half-minute commercial break feel to those two kids?)
And it's Justin. My theory about America's memory being refreshed becomes the brutal truth for him as the Briyans ask the judges why these three have been singled out.
Randy: Well, they had the worst performances of the group. The game's been raised to the nth degree, man - this competition is serious now.
Paula: (When asked why she thinks Justin is standing there) You know, I would be a liar to say that I know I definitely think that song selection is everything. But I'm sad to see any of you go.
Simon: See, the three who got voted off before had no talent, and now we're down to the real talent. Song choice is key, and whoever gets to stay - this could be the best thing that happens for you. Song choice is the key, and it's really going to kick in next week.
The Briyans decide to "make it easier for one of you" and reveal who gets to rejoin the group. It's
Nikki McKibbin?!?!
Do you mean to tell me that Justin's misguided display of conceit now makes Nikki McKibbin a greater talent than he? Did anyone listen to their actual performances? Does everyone fail to take notice of the fact that Justin can sing not only on pitch but also with control and charisma, while Nikki bellows out what I fear will be "I Love Rock & Roll" altered to suit the needs of her limited scream index?
Okay, I'm now forced to rationalize this enormous error in judgment by assuming that the majority of the American public is tone deaf. (That would explain the popularity of oh, right. The list is far too long.)
After the next commercial break we'll find out if it's Justin or Ryan getting that one-way ticket back to anonymity.
You people have put Nikki in the top five once again. But you know that, because you did it. So if this instigates a revival of Lita Ford's career, you all have no one to blame but yourselves.
We come back to hear that the vote was very close, that one of the two just squeaked by. My heart is in my throat - "Don't you dear vote off my Justin!" I shout at America. (Did I just say that?)
America votes off Ryan Starr. My Justin is safe.
And it seems that my Justin is once again mine.
All right anyone who knows me knows what a sucker I am for an apology, be it forced or not. Besides, the fact that he's 1) only twenty-three, 2) quite suddenly having his every move scrutinized as though he's under a microscope, and 3) actually has the talent to back up such a faux pas, I'm willing to resurrect my devotion. Who among us hasn't said something they've regretted then proceeded to apologize, only to have the attempt to make amends spiked down with the force of Gabby Reece?
I, for one, am not that good of a volleyball player. My Justin, welcome back. You can sleep through the night once more.
But we now must say goodbye to the force that has been stopped. She's crying, the other kids are hugging her, and she speaks her final words to the judges. "Despite your harsh criticism (she pauses) Simon, I've learned a lot and I'm going to take a lot from this."
They show the video recap of Ryan's journey from her Los Angeles audition to the heart-breaking moment at hand, then the judges give her some final words of advice.
Randy: Keep striving Ryan. You've got star in your name (it's a made-up name - her real name is Tiffany Montgomery - but okay), so keep working it.
Paula: As an artist you've just done something so difficult to do - you took last week's performance and you raised it back to the platform that you deserve to be on. You rose above it all with dignity and grace. I have no doubt that you're going to be a big star.
Simon: You are the first of the artists I would say - call me anytime you want for any help you want, because I actually think that you can achieve anything you want to do. You've grown so much in this competition.
The Briyans recap that we have just eliminated another one and that we're down to six finalists. (Thanks, guys - the elimination happened so quickly I got confused as to what just happened.) They cue up the music for Ryan Starr to sing one last time.
Okay, now that's just beyond cruel. She's crying, standing in front of 10 million people having just found out that the American public thinks that Nikki McKibbin is better than she is, and they want her to sing "Last Dance" again. My guess is that she'll never again in her life be able to hear that song without putting one of her oh-so-stylishly wrapped fists through a windowpane.
Best of luck to you, Tiffany Montgomery.
And welcome back, my Justin.
Dana Walker is a writer/singer/songwriter/former reality show contestant living in the Los Angeles area. Contact her at LilDanaSunshine@aol.com. (Yes, she's back on AOL for now - MSN is giving her problems.)


